evelyn is...

First of all, I'm sorry. I have lots of original posts in the works, but I'm lazy, and I've got a whole pile of financial aid forms to fill out tonight. So, like the dieter who swings by Burger King because it's faster than steaming kale and kohlrabi, I'm going to do it again.
Steal someone else's blog post, that is. I don't like kale.

My Customsmate from freshman year, Dabe Stone (not his real name) also has a blog on Blogger. He, being way cooler than I am, started it quite a while ago. But I only discovered it a few months ago. Because I'm slow.
Anyway, he went to googlism.com, a hi-larious site that, similar to the actual search engine, will give you your name or any other phrase you input as it appears in myriad contexts on the Web. What's freaky about this is that some, nay, most of them are uncannily right on.

All I did was type in my first name, evelyn. Up popped about 100 of these cryptic little phrases, covering everything from my activtties at school:

-evelyn is well prepared educationally for the duties of a council member (HC '02-'03!)
-evelyn is "still working for you" (this was an Honor Council slogan, at one point. I think.)
-evelyn is a 31 accountant (actually, I never did the books in our apt. at school. Honest.)
-evelyn is a vigilant grammar cop who is often caught yelling at the newspaper when she finds a dangling participle or an unclear antecedent (This is hysterical. I actually started the Abstract Editing Committee when I was on Honor Council so we wouldn't have to spend all kinds of time fixing typos. How does Google know this? I'm beginning to worry...)
-evelyn is the cement that holds this large department together
-evelyn is for all department members and students the source of information (my high school yearbook listed my contribution tio the school as "all the answers")


...to obsvervations about my character; the lavishly complimentary:

evelyn is an intriguing character
-evelyn is a real treat to be around
-evelyn is the best
-evelyn is a very gentle little girl
-evelyn is very helpful when you are feeling worthless
-evelyn is amiable and calm on the surface
-evelyn is someone truly special
-evelyn is sent (sent from heaven!)
-evelyn is not on the stage she enjoys art and please visit (yes!)
-evelyn is renowned around the world for beautiful gifts and everyday luxuries that capture the essence of english style
-evelyn is a project close to pierce brosnan's (heart, I hope. Though I don't know how I like being referred to as a "project". I'm not THAT much in need of a makeover, am I?)
-evelyn is responsible for the day (and the night, and the sun, and the moon...ahem. Was that out loud?)

the appalling:
-evelyn is unlucky
-evelyn is clueless
-evelyn is virtually impossible

and the oddly sweet:
-evelyn is a chameleon
-evelyn is likely the most intensely hyped rose (just look at my AIM and hotmail screennames!)
-evelyn is able to experience the music fully (with her new iPod!)
-evelyn is known almost exclusively for his diary (if by diary, you mean "blog")
-evelyn is the one to do it (absolutely! As soon as I figure out what "it" is...)


...to intriguing career possibilities (except I think that one of the real estate ones is just a word problem):

-evelyn is a continuing education instructor on hair loss and its related issues
-evelyn is a licensed real estate broker
-evelyn is offered a job selling real estate and she will have a 50 percent chance of making $10
-evelyn is a real estate agent that is known in the community of bainbridge for their dedicated client service
-evelyn is also involved in teaching the course elementary methods in computational geometry
-evelyn is an educator; a leader whose greatest concern is what is best
-evelyn is one of the key members of the staff at media services
-evelyn is presently working on her next patricia conley novel
-evelyn is carrying on [his] legacy of love for the museums
-evelyn is an internationally recognized baritone and highly sought after choral conductor
-evelyn is a specialized research consultant
-evelyn is an excellent clinical psychiatric nurse and also a team player (yes, but I can't get you drugs. Sorry.)

...to odd desciptors that I'm clearly not, but might like to be:

-evelyn is clearly referred to as a toy collie
-evelyn is an african
-evelyn is a member of the canadian medical and biological engineering society
-evelyn is a member of the haida nation
-evelyn is responsible for the much appreciated makeovers of '70s icon band journey (LOVE Journey. LOVE. Is this creepy, or what?)
-evelyn is one of the best practitioners in the united states (well, yes; but of what?)
-evelyn is designed especially for patients who require more intensive observation (hee!)
-evelyn is left to sweat it out in the family livery on her own
-evelyn is mistaken in thinking lou's argument to be fallacious (Lou is my neighbor, but I don't think we've ever had an argument...)
-evelyn is copied to the /tmp/bar on the machine running this command

...to some rather alarming assertions:

-evelyn is coping one day at the library when some unexpected events take place
-evelyn is descended from the illegitimate side of the family
-evelyn is attacked (oh no!)
-evelyn is the survivor of a neglectful and hurtful past (no, I'm not!!! I promise!! I love you, Mom and Dad!)
-evelyn is cheating on him (auugh! Who's smearing my good name? Who? Why?)
-evelyn is aghast at her incompetence


...to some very interesting predictions for my future:

-evelyn is beginning her third year as a ph (hopefully this ends with .D, and not with "testing strip")
-evelyn is married to john parsons
-evelyn is married and has two children
-evelyn is a delighted parent of two grown sons (names, anyone?)
-evelyn is spending time in the nursing home waiting room while her husband visits his mother there (I know this is from Fried Green Tomatoes, and I really, really hope I don't end up looking lke Kathy Bates.)
-evelyn is the most senior of the granny gears
-evelyn is proof positive that age is truly in the mind

to the final, comforting confirmation of my existence:

-evelyn is

Oh, what a relief. I am. Thank you, Googlism, for removing my doubts.

Seriously, though. SCARY. Only a handful of these hits were not somehow connected to me by something other than the name. The rest read like a background check on me done by Maryland's Poet Laureate after he smoked a bowl or two.

Because I love publicity, good or bad, I'm opening the blog to more of these. Like an online Slam Book (yeah, Judy Blume!). Feel free at add more of your own devising--I changed the settings so now you don't need a Blogger ID to post. Expect more audience-participatory posts in the future, too.

-evelyn is something the matter?